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By Dennis Rookard Now before Eve came along and forced Adam into building histories first garden shed, wherein to hide from the little lady back in the cave and from undertaking those urgent little jobs around the cave like, building shelving. But before he got to do the shopping for the little lady down the market for that nice Sunday roast leg of Dinosaur. Adam it has to be said. Had a totally different relationship with the prehistoric beast. You see, back in those golden days before God had this wild idea about women, Adam and his best mate Sammy the Snake used to go in for a bit of Dinosaur spotting. There the two would sit on some nice hillside munching apples, until around the bend would storm a pack of the long necked, great grey Dinosaurs. Now right about now, your thinking that these creatures had large numbers painted on their flanks and all Adam had to do was to note them down in his trusty Ian Allan Dinosaur spotting book. Well don't be stupid. Of course they didn't. No for your dedicated prehistoric Dinosaur spotter your basic equipment was a long pointed stick, and a can of bright red paint. The object of the exercise being to wait until the animal paused nearby to munch on a particularly succulent bush. Then whilst it was thus engaged, creep up behind the beast and gently slap a spot of red paint on its flank. So successful was this happy sport, that it was not long before entire herds of the beasts were to be seen roaming around the countryside carrying large red spots on their backsides. Then came disaster, with the news that God was back in the cave wanting a few words with Adam. The words being to the effect his angels had been whingeing on about how this happy life of theirs running after Dinosaurs with a can a red paint might well be an enjoyable occupation, and life with only Sammy the Snake for company a paradise for Adam. But all good things he maintained have to end, and in Adams case that meant having a woman around. Naturally hearing this Adam asked God what a Woman was. God being basically the sort of person who preferred a easy life, and who we must remember was still resting after his recent creating business, and not wanting to panic Adam, Told him that apart from a few anatomical differences, your actual women were rather like Adam to look at, and if spoken to nicely would do all manor of things around the cave. From keeping it clean to doing something called cooking. Which said God, although this would involve inventing something he called fire. Naturally Adam wanted to know about this fire stuff, God replying that rubbing two sticks together did the trick. But once obtained was useful for all sorts of things from warming up and lighting the Cave, to being useful for burning meat and water in it. Maintaining that Adam would soon get to like things cooked. As he also would something called Sex, which he would soon get the hang of. 1 Mind you what he also failed to mention was the constant moaning and nagging Adam would have to put up with from this Cave helper. As Adam was to discover, this took the form of suggesting he quit spending his time with his friend the Snake, when he could be spending time with her good self, or the tribe of children that would in time follow his five minutes of horizontal pleasure. God also failed to mention that his life's helpmate would be one of those creatures who would never be satisfied with her Cave. Constantly whingeing to him to quit the cave and start looking for that larger hovel close by that darling running stream close by. Which would also have the advantage of being free of any passing large scaly man eating creature. God also neglected to mention as well that his time in the Garden of Eden would soon finish, and that his future days would be spent in a Barret designed cave in Basildon. There was just one small problem said God. In order to create Eve as the female helper would be called, could he have one of the lad's ribs. Adam replied that he was not over keen on this idea as he felt he needed then all, Wont feel a thing said God, reaching into his body for a couple of the spare bones. "Steady on" shouted Adam, that hurt. "Oh don't be a cry baby" moaned God, standing back as with a great flash of light and cloud of pink smoke, Eve was created. "Very nice too" muttered Adam, by now realizing that this sex business could be fun. "Oh Shit" said God. Realising Eve was naked. "I'm bloody naked" screamed Eve realising the same thing. "Oh here you are" said God as with another flash of light and smoke a brown dress was created and dropped at her feet. "It's not my colour," she cried. "Oh shut up you silly bitch." Both Adam and God shouted together, backing out of the cave. "I hope you know what your doing said" Adam once they had made a safe distance and were standing under the apple trees. "Oh it's her time of her month," muttered God, "she'll be all right tonight, you'll see." "Hope your right" said Adam, by now wondering what he had got himself into. "Love to stay for a chat old boy," said God putting his arm around his shoulder. "But duty calls you know. Had this really wonderful idea to create another world, only this time with nine days, and get this Adam. Three sex's all living underwater. Now that should be interesting." He cried as he vanished in a cloud of white smoke. Which of course is how Adam came to start using his long pointed sticks for purpose's other then spotting, and how he started to enjoy roast Dinosaur – which by the way tasted a bit like the chickens that latter became easier to catch, and how Eve became a fashion guru and a 'absolute marvel darling' with fur and animal skins, and why the Snake having got Eve hooked on Apples, and getting slightly, well to be honest – very fed up with the children cuddling him as a pet all the time, dressing him up or slinging him around their dirty necks as a scarf, decided to slide off for pastures new. ENDS |
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