Who are 'they' you ask. Gods shock troops that's who - Jehovah's Witness's. For come the weekends and long evenings, no home is safe from them. I know mine isn't.

It's always the same, either your halfway through a meal, laying in the bath, getting towards the end of a fascinating television programme or even worse, all ready to view one you have been looking forward too all week. There you sit, a few beers alongside, the crisps ready in the bowl and the telephone left off the hook. Your going to vegetate, and no one, but no one is going to disturb you. Oh yes they are, Their standing outside your door, stopwatch in hand, just counting down the seconds till the programme starts.. then with a happy grin at each other, it's bang on the door time.

And you have to answer it don't you. Well it could be important. It's not of course, for there they are. Always two together, always wearing those smart leather gloves, presumably to go with the floppy leather covers on their large Bibles each book-marked all ready to quote from, and always with that glint of the already saved in the eye, that says - "come the end of the world matey we'll be OK on our mountaintop. And your not invited.

So what to do. The best way of course is to buy a copy of Watch Tower and slam the door, takes all of 90 seconds. The thing not to do is, and here I quote the words of John Major - 'engage them in badinage.' Score 50 bonus points if you end up driving them away without a Watch Tower sale. But remember you can't win as your name will go down on their list. The one that's headed. Return visit every week with their secret weapon, The two female 20 year old blond bombshells they send out to lost souls like me, and its very hard not to buy a Watch Tower from them isn't it.

ENDS