Now where was I , ah yes toys, or rather toys for us big boys. This week, the computer. These as you know come as two types. Those you'd love to have, and those you can afford. Mind you, buy a computer and the word "upgrade takes on a whole new meaning," So as the Government seems to want to get us all surfing the Internet, let me pass on a few of the facts of computer life I've discovered since I first hit the keypad of a Sinclare ZX81. - just 18 short years ago.

Fact 1. The model you buy will always be replaced by a more powerful one the week after you brought yours.

Fact 2. Any pre-loaded programmes on board, are the ones you'll never use, and those you really need, will cost the earth.

Fact 3. It's a safe bet your computer was the one they constructed just after Friday afternoons tea break, just like your car, and like your car will require expensive repairs the day after the warranty runs out.

Fact 4. Your RAM Memory or Hard Disk space is never large enough for required tasks.

Fact 5, Start upgrading and within months you'll have spent more then the computer is worth.

Fact 6. Resale price of any computer more then six months old, is a quarter of what you paid for it.

We now come to the wonderful world of the Internet. Far from what everyone and his dog is telling you, take it from me, after spending a few hours surfing the Internet for something of interest, you'll find that what is on offer, is mostly a load of old rubbish.

True you can look up the times of trains from your local station, or even look up an old news story from various newspaper libraries, but how often you need this service. As for National newspaper web sites. Well give me a nice printed newspaper anytime. After all you can't line a bird cage, light a fire or wrap your fish and chips around a computer can you. Finally e-mail, Faster then the speed of light is this. And so it is, the only trouble being that most messages tend to be of one line only. Hardly seems worth the bother. Anyway what's wrong with the telephone.

Still if you really want to spend upwards of £1,000 on a box of tricks, go right ahead, at least you can play games on it, and after all that's what toy's are for isn't it.

ENDS