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NUMBER .1. Tread Boldly Roman Rookard.
It's a little known fact that one of my ancestors a certain Claudius Rookard had a great deal to do with the building of Roman Colchester. It's also true, he had a part in its destruction by Boadicea and her tribe. Not that it was all his fault of course as greatness, as so often, was thrust upon him It all started back in Rome where Claud was in his usual state - dead drunk on the floor of a little bar alongside the forum, celebrating somewhat after watching the lions feasting on a clutch of Christians. When who should come charging into the bar but his old mate, Caesar Octobus who reckoned that if he looked sharp about it, and tapping his long Roman nose. Told the lad there was money by the bucket load, working as a brickie over in Britannica, where they were building the new town of Colchester to impress the natives. And talking of the natives said he, the word back was that local Females were he maintained dead impressed by visiting Romans with cash in pocket and were an easy lay. Within a few months our hero found himself at the London Road Gate to the town, yelling up at a slightly tipsy legionnaire to let him in.. This took a little time as the custom was to lock the gates every evening, and the Legionnaire had just nipped into one of the local Taverns for a swift half with his mates, and they were in no mood to go hunting the key But, after much moaning and comments of the 'more then me jobs worth mate' they let him in via the side door, pointing him in he direction of the Sign of the Rusty Chariot, where room, board and bath house could be found. There then followed a few months during which young Claud slaved away by day knocking up walls for the fort, forum and private bath house's for the resident Merchants, and by night drinking the night away with the local squadies from the fort, and working his way through the local ladies. That is until fate took a hand when one fine evening he met Tracy, one of Queen Boadiceas lovely daughters. Now it wasn't all his fault that she wanted more then a little slap and tickle behind the Legion Barracks, but somehow, one thing led to another, and the word marriage came up in conversation. To Claud this meant but one thing, she had to be dumped. The snag was for Claud, that the lady in question was the apple of her mothers eye, and what was worse, he had already had his evil way with her, and she was, shall we say heavy with child, And that's why history records, her mum got ever so uptight, threw a bit of a tantrum and did her wild woman thing, riding into town with her angry boys from the tribe looking for Claud who by this time got wind of mum's anger and had taken off for London. This was bad news for Colchester, and latter for London, as Boadicea and her lads scenting revenge against the Romans for all those local girls they had impressed by being Roman, Being over here and by local standards being over paid, decided to start a campaign of rape. Pillage and burning Colchester before heading for the bright lights of London in the search for Claud. Strangely when Boadicea and her lads hit London town, she never did find my ancestor., who had by this time long vanished up country to help Hadrian, who on a visit had after a wild night with the lads in the mess, come up with the somewhat lunatic idea of building a wall from one side of the country to the other. Which would have be fine, had not the idiot taken side bets on just how long it would take, and being a man of his word, and down on his luck was lumbered into building the dam thing in order to win his bets. And you thought Hadrian only wanted to keep the Scots at bay, Fat chance, what with our Clude building a little gate in the wall, some way from the main gates though which hordes of happy Scots after a small payment for a visa were able to enter the promised land. Clude was latter able to retire on the proceeds of this little scam and ended his days married to a local lass as landlord of the General Hadrian Pub, located alongside what was the Roman version of the A1 road, which he cunningly had routed so it finished up at his gate in the wall. An establishment that offered a home from home to any passing Romans heading north and any passing Scots on their way to the golden paved streets of London. ENDS |
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