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NUMBER .1. Who really burnt those cakes of Alfred's.
History records that one of our early Kings is only remembered for burning some poor maidens cakes. He was of course Alfred, of just plain 'Alf' as he was known by the lads around court. Now as Kings at that time were either called Alfred, John or Arthur the scribes of the time, working on Ye Olde Saxon Chronicle had a bit of a problem, And rather like their descendants on today's Fleet Street gutter press took to naming them by some great deed or other. Arthur of the round table being one such nick name on account of the lads having nipped into the Saxon version of MFI to buy a self assembly table to overcome an heated augment as to who was going to sit at the head of it to carve the palace Turkey one Christmas.
But the Alfred we're interesting in was known as the one who burnt the cakes. Now history has been unkind to this King. After all it was not entirely his fault. You see the poor maidens cakes he burnt belonged to an ancestor of mine, one the Lady Agatha Rookard, who back in the dark ages. So called because - gas and electricity had yet to be invented - was for want of a better name, running a greasy spoon Cafe for travelling Knights deep in the heart of the forest. An establishment, which it has to be said, was noted more for it's after meal services, then for the scraps ladled into the wooden platters served up by Agatha.
Thus it as, that as she was minding her own business brushing out the mud hut, who should come riding round the corner but King Alf and the lads.. Now Agatha knew he was a king, if only because he had his working crown on. So she knew that a little buttering up and forelock touching would bring it's own reward for Agatha. Even if this might mean laying back and thinking of England in order to collect the Gold afterwards .
The only snag was that from Agathas point of view, King Alf was not the brightest of Kings. So figuring she was in for some easy money, greeted the King, told his Knights to lose themselves for a few hours, and dragged the reluctant King into her kitchen.
"So what do you want me to do," he asked, "name the oven or something." No said our Agatha, "I'm a bit short of veg at the moment for your dinner, so If you could let me have a few gold coins, I'll nip down to Tescos. Meantime" she continued, "you look after that oven over there as I've got a tray of cakes on the go, and they'll need taking out in another twenty minutes."
Then with Alfred's Gold, clutched in her grubby paws, she was off down the forest track like greased lightning, never to be seen again. Although according to rumour she was one of the reasons for the Vikings getting involved in the battle of Maldon after she tried the same trick on them.
As for Alfred. Having got up early that morning for his spot of hunting, and the kitchen fire being so warm, he just sort of drifted into a deep sleep, and the rest as they say is history. Or rather, as those Saxon Chroniclers latter put it. 'DOZY ALF LETS CAKES BURN AS TURN COAT WITCH VANISHES'
ENDS
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